i have words in my head.

i have a flood of words in my head and i can see them in there, scurrying around, looking for ways to escape, but i can't get them out. the adjectives can't always find the nouns and the conjunctions stagger around helplessly, looking for functions.

i have words in my head but i know i can't be making sense when the words leave my mouth. i can almost make them form complete sentences that could be considered interesting and perhaps even witty. but somewhere at the point just past my tongue and right before my teeth the words come out jumbled and confused. they're just noises. audio chaos that is somehow interpreted to represent meaning.

i love ella fitzgerald. she had words in her head and she could make them sing. i have words in my head and i can barely make them talk. she could doo-wap. she could improvise. she could scat. she was gorgeous that way.

my problem is that i hold all the words in my head and i don't let them out until i'm absolutely sure that they will make sense. that they go where they are intended. that they say what they mean. people think i should just let the words flow, but i know that isn't how it works. i have to be more economical with my verbage. i know that once i say the wrong thing i can't bring the words back. there's no eraser, no delete key, no liquid paper for my mouth.

so the words stay in my head. they scurry around looking for ways to escape and i just watch them.

damnit.

future | retro